The Reality

It's not my fault you're unhappy. That you can't handle the stress. That you flip at the slightest provocation. But, how, as your wife, do I navigate your shitty, stormy waters? How do I take the brutal wave, ignore it, reassemble myself and do what's best for those kids?  Maybe if my biggest worries were what color to do my next manicure in. Maybe if I had all day to mull your shit over. Maybe if I were concerned with the PTA and meal prep. But that's not me. I'm taking your daughter to Philly and managing her delicate healthcare. I'm working full time, trying to learn a job I need for some sort of financial freedom. I'm still recovering from the trauma of losing my dream job and navigating those friendships, stepping on egg shells. I'm trying (and failing) to stay sober, to quit smoking, to keep our son alive and our daughter healthy and happy and making a stellar impression at work as a new manager. I'm doing the dishes, calling for meds, havi...

I can't imagine a life without tiny arms around my neck, little bodies snuggled into me and hearing amazing truths uttered from tiny lips. I can't imagine living in a world where a mom doesn't appreciate that her child loves me or that that child is learning! And it's showing! I can't imagine going to a job everyday that doesn't use all my most precious gifts. How to teach little ones. How to build them up. How to make them feel safe and loved and like someone is listening. But my boss told me everyone thinks I'm incompetent. Yes, those exact words. I didn't hear her wrong, as two people have now suggested. Those. Exact. Words. I've been speculating for days, maybe months, about where that idea came from. Jealousy? Hatred? Pathetic, weak minds? I simply don't know and really have to chalk it up to bad people. Unfortunately these bad people have my boss's ear (even though she thinks they're bad people). See? None of it makes sense. So I mu...

Hold me to a different standard. Be gentle. Or. If that won't suffice, know you can't touch me, but i'll be gone.  See, it's worse here in my world than it is in yours. I know, that sounds juvenile, doesn't it? "My life is the worst!" And in reality, i know there are people who have it worse, but in my circle, no one does. So be gentle.  The worst thought i've ever had: "When i was 24, if someone had told me this would be my life in 20 years, i might have made different choices."  My son is a mess. Drugs, questionable sexuality, skipping school, suicidal ideation. And it's my fault; i was a hands-off parent. Eternally loving but too forgiving, too lazy. He exposed himself to things he shouldn't have, and i did nothing to prevent it. I worry about him every day, all the time. I have to push it out of my mind to focus on my responsibilities, but he tortures me daily with my worry.  My daughter. Her prognosis is unknown. I don't k...

A friend shared this on my timeline, and it's spot on. Other parents of special needs kids will understand: I see you taking your kid to therapy while your friends take their kids to football or ballet. I see you sneak out of the conversation when all your friends boast about achievements and exam notes. I see you juggle events and meetings. I see you sitting on the computer for hours investigating what your child needs. I see you make a bad face when people complain about what looks like nonsense. I see you disappear little by little but you keep going beyond for your family. I see you pull strength from weakness with a force you didn't even dream you had. I see you showing respect for teachers, therapists and medical professionals who help your child and help you. Watching you wake up early in the morning to do it all again after another chaotic night. I see you when you're on the edge of the precipice struggling to live. I know you feel invisible, like no one notices. Bu...

The wings are feeling heavy tonight. And dark, wilted, curling in on themselves. Amazing how you can live each moment trying to be your best only to get knocked down. I know, I know, it happens to everyone. But there comes a time when you look around and you don't see anyone standing with you. How did that happen? Did I fuck up? Did they all succomb to the darkness? Why's it so cold? Why can't anyone hear me? Because I'm alone. And not really alone but some people's daggers hurt worse than others. And I have a war going on in my own fucking house. I can't take y'all down. No one's nicer to you when you live a harder-than-normal life. You still have unhappy bosses, snarky coworkers, friends who don't understand or are deaf to your cries of pain. You still have arguments with your partner and children and your mom still gives you that soul-withering, disapproving look. But sometimes i do wonder how much more intense the drama would be if my daughter we...