Epiphany

So. How do you define yourself? If someone asked you, "What do you do?" How do you answer? More importantly, how do you answer in your head?

In September of 2017 and every month since then, I would've answered: Caregiver. Because in that month, my baby got a g-tube, and if you know anyone who has to deal with that shit, it's a life-changer. Our lifestyle changed. You can't just tuck your kid into bed and say, good night! It's a process. Because it was so difficult a process, I thought, semi-unconsciously, that it would be easier if I deemed myself, Caregiver. She has so many appointments and I have to make so many phone calls, fight so many battles, that I thought it would make my life easier if I just resigned myself to my new purpose as Caregiver. I don't know why, but we humans have to define ourselves, and we strive to find a purpose in life. When you assign yourself these words--and that's all they really are--somehow you simplify your life. Basically, it's a way to conceptualize something messy. What that meant though, was the following:

*Everything I've ever done up to this point was to prepare me to take care of my special needs child. My intelligence that I've nurtured, my strength--everything! was to help her to live her best life

*My purpose in life is to support hers

*I WAKE UP every morning to support her, take care of her, medicate her, make her happy

*If i'm making something crafty, it's because i'm trying to make money for the family

*When I go to sleep, it's to get rested so I can wake up to do it all over again.

As you can see by my spelling it out is that this can become quite damaging. I'm MORE than this. I'm things i can't even begin to describe. I'm this, that and everything in between. I'm even NOT that, this nor everything in between. Like all people, I'm a walking hypocrisy, simultaneously colorful and dark, friendly and afraid of people, a homebody who loves to go dancing in crowded clubs. This is something that took me 16 months to discover. As a result of shoving myself into a tight, neat little caregiver box, I have:

*Denied myself everything. I've become a non-entity. Nothing but a nurse

*Started a drinking habit

*Have suffered such depression because of this loss of self.

My point is. You are you. You have gone though hell to get where you are now so that you can be you. This is your journey, and it's not FOR anyone else. I love my daughter to no end, but she is a hand I was dealt--part of the hand I was dealt. I also have a silly rescue dog, 3 weird cats, a gentle giant of a husband and a crazy teenager, loads of awesome people around me, numerous blessings and trials. I am me, standing still while the chaos of the world I've built swirls around me.

If you ever find yourself shoving yourself into a tiny little box--in order to find some simplicity within life's chaos--please remember my words. You are so much more than the sum of your parts. You are more than the nice or snarky things people say about you. You are things people haven't even seen yet! And this journey, with all it's twists, turns and obstacles, is yours alone. Everyone and everything that touches you is put there to influence you. In the end, it really is all about you.